Is He Straight or Gay?
Dear Leidra,
I have been dating this guy for 4 months and something is off with him. We kiss and make out and I think maybe we are moving towards having sex pretty soon. But I get the feeling that he is gay.
When we first met, Jeff told me a story about how some guy kind of hit on him when he went on a vacation several years ago. He said he was by himself walking near a pathway near the beach and a guy kept looking at him while walking behind some bushes nearby. The man obviously wanted Jeff to follow him. He saw the man get on his knees and give another man a blow job and then spit out "you-know-what" after finishing. I thought that was a rather strange for a straight guy to say.
Then a month later, he told me about how in college he got hit on all of the time. And finally, we watched a movie in which a very good looking actor was baring his naked ass on the screen. The actor's ass did look good and Jeff told me how good his ass looked too.
I am confused. On the one hand he looks manly and doesn't act gay, but then the other hand I am sick and tired of Jeff talking about men this way.Do you think he is gay?
I Want To Know in California
Dear Want To Know,
Have you ever heard the saying that if it sounds like a duck, acts like a duck, then it is duck?
I think deep down inside, you know that he is gay or at the very least, bisexual. Women sometimes ignore their instincts, especially when they feel they lack experience in a situation. Don't feel that just because you don't have much experience with men, that you don't have a lot experience with what you hear and feel. And what you hear is your boyfriend telling you things that point to him being gay.
It is very interesting that you don't call the man that you have been dating for four months, "boyfriend." Is it because that you don't feel he is being real with you? I would think dating a man more than two months would make him a boyfriend.
I also think it is interesting that you have not consummated your relationship with Jeff. You didn't mention that you had an agreement to abstain from sex or that you didn't want to have sex with him, so I am inclined to believe that he doesn't want to because he desires men instead.
And honestly what else do you need to hear to convince you that he is gay? A straight guy follows a man behind a bush and watches him give another man a blow job? That means Jeff had to be standing there for at least 7 minutes or longer, depending on how long it took for them to complete their act. I wonder if he was really talking about himself or was he standing on the sideline masturbating? And then the rest of the stories he told you can't be ignored.
It could be that Jeff is in denial and has had these encounters with men on an inconsistent basis, and he thinks that dating you can set things right. Some gay friends told me that due to the pressure of being gay that they dated and sometimes even married women. But they couldn't suppress the truth for long, and eventually ended those fake relationships and started living gay.
If Jeff is bisexual, he could be testing you by telling you these stories to see how you react. Maybe he hopes you would accept bisexuality. You never did tell me what you said when he told you these things. I am inclined to believe that you said nothing, and he may believe that you are fine with what he is telling you. Being upfront with you about the situation would be the way to go, if this is the case with him.
You should tell him what you really feel and tell him to think about his sexuality and not play games with you. I think you should stop seeing Jeff since you have some reservations about the relationship. That is not healthy for you and Jeff emotionally. Once he accepts who he really is (whether that is bisexual or gay), then he can chose an appropriate mate that is okay with that decision.
Leidra Lawson, Copyright 2005